Readings: Isaiah 38: 9-22
Today will be a very personal post. This journey is 40 days, but the other journey I have endured has been for 6 and half months. It’s been a journey of complete tearing down of my psychological persona of who I am as a person. Every part of my being has been questioned. Was I following my own course, not listening to God? I felt so confident that God was leading me down this road. I had seen all the signs. I had prayed for over a year for clarity of my calling. Then bam the Lord changed my course. And in the midst of a transverse change of my course, He allowed me to suffer immense psychological pain. I went into the journey with my head held high, of complete certainly of my course, to defeat and my head wishing it could be lowered below the leaves so no one could see it. My friends turned on me, those professionally gave me little support, and my fate was forever changed in a blink of an eye. And for what, I still don’t understand. Why would anyone do what was done to me? I wasn’t harmed physically or abused but called out publicly to the whole world for something that I didn’t do. I wrestle in my own mind over and over and over again. Did I do something wrong? Am I not seeing this clearly? I can only guess that the trajectory that the Lord has taken me on was the wrong one, or is He testing me, definitely he has given me a dose of humility. Tears have never been cried over my own persona of who I am, in my 50 years on this earth. Everything had always come so easy for me. Maybe that’s the point.
The things I have learned along the way: compassion for those that have been accused of something they did not do, gratefulness for a justice system that was created for those innocent until proven guilty, a fair and just trial because I had not received one, understanding of those that are suffering so much as to want to end their life, gratefulness for the people that supported me even when they may have quietly questioned my integrity, gratefulness for those that know me so well to know that I would never commit a crime of integrity, gratefulness for my integrity that can only be provided from the Lord, and the endurance to fight for my innocence and for the innocence of people after me. But most importantly for all the things the Lord has provided me these 6 and half months: a shoulder to cry on day and night, a peace that truly surpasses all understanding, lifting me off the bathroom floor that day when I was searching for a way to end my life, speaking to me so clearly when I was on that bathroom floor and taking me to a safe place, providing His word to comfort me, and the music to carry me each and every day. I am forever grateful and forever changed.
I read your words this morning continuing to search for understanding for what has happened to me. The waves keep coming. I forget and then I remember like it was yesterday. To many, it would seem like such a minor thing. I have never been accused of being a saint, spending a life back and forth in and out of sins. But this insult is so much more injurious to my soul. The words of the Lord I hear this morning ( 2 Kings 19:25-26). The words He spoke to Hezekiah through Isaiah right before he delivered Hezekiah and the people of Judah from the Assyrians, The words God said about the Assyrians, “I decided this long ago. Long ago I panned this, and now I am making it happen.” You have so little power and are so frightened and confused. You will feel as “weak as grass and easily trampled as tender green shoots”. You will feel like “grass sprouting on a housetop, scorched before it can grow lush and tall.”
But I must remember, that I am on Hezekiah’s side. I am not an Assyrian. I am a child of God. Instead, I pray out as Hezekiah did in Isaiah 38, his poem of praise. “I am in trouble Lord, Help me!” But what can I say? For he himself sent this sickness. Now I will walk humbly throughout my years because of this anguish I have felt. Lord, your discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You restore my health and allow me to live! Yes, this anguish was good for me, for you have rescued me from death and forgiven all my sins. For the dead cannot praise you; they cant raise their voices in praise. Those who go down to the grave can no longer hope in your faithfulness. Only the living can praise you as I do today. Each generation tells of your faithfulness to the next. Think of it- the Lord is ready to heal me! I promise to sing your praises with instruments every day of my life. ”
Thank you Hezekiah for these words, for this prayer that I lift up to my Beloved today. Please deliver me Lord from the anguish of my soul. Deliver me and exonerate my name. I promise to lift your name in glory forever. Amen